Taillights in the Rear View
There are so many heartbreaking songs about looking in the rear-view mirror. All the regrets. Watching those taillights as they drive away. Songs about tragic reflections, wondering how to get back to where you made a wrong turn. Looking back on your life and wondering what could have happened…if you had made different choices….if you had taken a different route….if if if. We often dwell on the unknowns of what the ifs.
Well, the good news is, we can’t go back. We can’t remake the choices and decisions of our past. And we can go forward with new insight, new direction, and new perspective.
I think so many people get lost in the exhausting mentality of the could’ves, should’ves, or would’ves, instead of focusing where we need to, which is on everything in front of us. Most people nowadays are out of tune with their present too. They’re too busy and distracted by social media to even be present in the moments of life that could make all the difference for their futures. They’re missing opportunities. They’re missing conversations with the ones who love them, and who they could love back. They’re numb, going through the motions of life, but not really living it.
I have made some critical mistakes in my past. I have trusted people who were around to cause harm rather than help. I have deeply hurt people I never thought I could hurt.
At 19, I made my dad leave our house because the situation between him and my mom had grown so volatile, I genuinely feared what might happen if he stayed. They were toxic for each other, both of them, in their own ways, and it was getting worse by the day. I thought I could protect them. I thought if I just stepped in, I could save them from themselves.
Truth is, I didn’t force them to do anything. They always had the choice. I just didn’t understand yet why two people who loved me enough to give me a good life couldn’t seem to find that same happiness with each other. But I really thought they could be happy, maybe just not together. So, I believed I could foster it for them. I carried that failure for a long time, not the failure of what I did, but the failure of what I couldn’t fix. I couldn’t give them joy. That was never mine to give.
It wasn’t just that one night, either. My sister and I carried the weight of our parents’ problems for years, the worry, the guilt of not being there enough, and eventually the guilt of having to distance ourselves just to hold onto our own sanity. That distance was necessary, and it still hurt. I understand now why so many people can’t set boundaries with the people they love. It feels like giving up on them. But loving someone and being responsible for their happiness are not the same thing. I know that now. I didn’t know it at 19.
I have since taken many classes on self-help, and being BOLD. Coaching to teach me, “What you focus on expands!” I believed I could encourage my parents to focus on what they wanted, instead of the pain they continually felt. I told them that affirmations could help. What they shared back with me was, I used to be that way. Well think how shattered I was, that I likely had no control over how my life would go. What things would look like. I was going to turn out as pitiful as they ended up. Well, that is not true! What they created had no definition as to anything about how my life could go. It was my choice. Thank God I didn’t take that belief and live with it forever. It could have taken me down with it!
That is the difference. We must process things for what they are. Lessons. Everything is a lesson. A good one or bad one. A truth or untruth. You don’t have to live with anything you don’t want to. Your attitude, who you surround yourself with, your habits, your faith, that is all up to you.
I always wanted my life lived with no regrets. Honestly, I can say I do regret some things, because I want my life to have a positive impact on others and the world. I want my life to matter in growing believers for the Kingdom of God. And I had to go through some hard, even stupid, mistakes in order to see how my actions really matter. I had to hurt people, or hurt for people, before I understood how I didn’t want to feel that way again. I had to lose things in order to hold what mattered more deeply. So yes, I wish I hadn’t had to go through all of it to find the peace I know now. But we’re all on the same journey. Some learn faster than others. Some take the long way around before they find the right way ahead.
The benefit of looking back isn’t to dwell on it forever. It’s to learn from it. To interpret it. To understand how it shaped you and everything around you. If you don’t learn from your past, you’ll keep getting the same messes you’re trying to avoid.
I honestly don’t know anyone who hasn’t had an experience they wished had gone differently, often in the exact opposite direction would have been preferred. They just don’t always let you know they’ve screwed up. They pretend everything’s copacetic, all hunky-dory, all the time. Think again. They’re as jacked up as anyone else. We no longer get the benefit of living in Heaven on Earth. We have to navigate rough waters and heartbreak, some of which we created for ourselves.
We can blame someone else for the hand we’ve been dealt. We can blame them for everything bad we’ve encountered. We can remain a victim instead of the owner of our own life. Yes, it’s a choice. It’s all yours.
Truly, the hand we hold is ours to play. We could have created boundaries. We could have told someone no. We could have turned away and let something go without harboring anger and hurt. Our life is a combination of our choices, good, bad, and neutral. Granted, we don’t always get the blessing of being brought up in a loving home. We don’t get to pick our parents, our siblings, or where we start out. Sometimes we don’t get to pick our circumstances. We are allowed to make the same demeaning choices over and over. Or, we can change the direction of our thoughts, actions, and situations. We do have free will. We just don’t always use it for the freedom it should bring us. More often, it’s free will to do things we’ll regret.
We let our past hurts linger far too long, creating barriers to our flourishing. We let blame keep us from joy. We let bitterness ruin our relationships. We let the FEARs, false evidence appearing real, of our past control our steps moving forward.
It’s time to break that pattern. We only need to glance in the rearview to learn. But to grow, we have to change our direction and re-navigate daily to stay on the right track. We need wisdom from resources that are solid and sound, and trustworthy. We can’t always trust people to do the right thing, think about yourself. You’re the one in the mirror too. You don’t always treat people right. You don’t always make wise choices. You may have lied a time or two. But don’t give up on the people genuinely trying to make a difference, or the ones who need someone to believe in them, even after they’ve screwed up a few times, or many.
At some point, you realize others are making the same kinds of mistakes you are. Theirs might look more serious. But all the same, we’re all imperfect, all of us trying to find our way past the taillights in the mirror, toward whatever’s coming next.